Pictures from Liam's Birthday/Valentines Day

Happy Valentines Day, Baby Boy!!!

My baby is 7 years old today!! Part of me is filled with such joy to see him growing into a handsome, young man...but the other part of me is sad...sad to see my "baby" growing up way too fast. I can't believe 7 years ago today, at 1:55 a.m. my life changed completely. Life as I knew it was nothing compared to what my life would be like after this beautiful baby boy came along. :) We tried for so long have him. The heartache, the disappointment, the ups and downs...but the minute I held him in my arms, it was ALL worth it. Every struggle, every tear. He was finally here. :) Now here we are, 7 quick years later. Where has the time gone??

Sorry, guess I felt the need to reminisce. I hope everyone has a wonderful Valentines Day. Love is in the air!! As for my love...her & I will be celebrating with our son...but who could ask for more? :)

Life moves forward

I'm really sorry I haven't been blogging much. I say that everytime, and I'm trying (really I am!) to get better. See...only been a week or so since my last post! ;) Anyway, it's been an up and down week and there's been a lot going on. First, we have a new addition to our family (see pic below), but at the same time, tragedy has struck a close friend and that's been hard too. It's so weird how life and death just go hand in hand. The whole circle of life thing. Even having the faith I do, on a human level, it's still hard not to question the why or how this all works. An old friend of mine from grade school has lost her oldest son (18) this week in a very bad car accident. I havne't seen or talked to her in a couple of years, but nonetheless, I feel it's important to pay my respects at calling hours tonight. I've thought about her constantly these past few days, trying to comprehend what she must be going through. I can't. Even having experienced the loss of my husband and step-father 3 years ago, I still can't even begin to understand her pain of losing her son. What do I say? How do I express my sympathy? "Hi. Wow, sorry we haven't seen each other in so long, but here we are back in touch because of this tragedy." ?? I'm just asking those of you reading this to please keep my friend Johna and her family in your prayers at this time. They are sure going to need it.

On a lighter note, yes, I did say we have a new addition. My cousin Alex (who has always been more like a brother to me) and his wife welcomed their 6th child, a baby boy named Nolan William almost 2 weeks ago. We went to see him last Saturday and I have to say he is BEAUTIFUL! For weighing 10 lbs at birth, I expected to see this little sumo wrestler, but he actually had lost 2 lbs and so he was much smaller in person!! I could have fit the little booger right in my purse and snuck him home!! They treated him for jaundice before they released him from the hospital, but he's still very yellow, so he's been going back and forth for blood work every 2 days. His billiruben still isn't good, so now they're worried he might have some sort of blood disease. He seemed so perfect when I held him Saturday...it's so scary to think something may be wrong with him. So if you would, please keep little Nolan in your prayers as well. I'll post an update as I know...

Speaking of little guys, mine is doing GREAT! He just got his grade card last Friday and he made honor roll. :) He could have the last semester, but he had a C in Handwriting (of all things!) Plus he got a certificate for having all green behavior (which is good) the entire semester. He's actually gotten that every quarter since he started school last year! :) That's our boy!! Next week is a very special day in our household...not unlike a lot of households who observe Valentines Day...but it's also my baby's 7th birthday!!! :) It's so funny because when he was about 3 til he was about 5, about a month before V-day, we'd see all the stuff in the stores and he thought all that stuff was JUST for his birthday!!!! :) I didn't burst his little bubble til he was about 5 or so. lol He still thinks it's pretty cool. He said as long as I don't ever make him have a "heart" birthday, then he's good with it. :) I hardly think camophlauge and bugs are anything near hearts!!!!!

On another good note, I have some very exciting news to share about Jay's job situation. Hopefully no one from her work reads this... lol... Well about 3 weeks ago, she interviewed with a company about an hour away that she had sent her resume to. They said they didn't actually have an opening, but was so impressed with her resume, they wanted to talk to her. So that went well, and they left it at saying they would maybe consider creating a position for her. Ok, so the wait begins... But then last week she gets a call from the State BCI for a position she applied for waaaaay back in October!! Out of so many resumes they received from all over the country, they chose to only interview 3 people...Jay being one of them!!!! So that was this past Monday! The drive is a little further, about an hour and 10-20 min from here, but ideally it's her DREAM job and exactly what she got her Masters for! Not to mention the pay & benefits are better than this other place, although their pay is still a lot better than what she's making NOW! So now she's all psyched for the state job...but in the meantime, she gets a call from the first company saying their finally ready to talk to her about a position and want to set up a second interview. :) So she's waiting for them to call and arrange it, which hopefully won't be til the end of next week, because she's hoping to hear from the state by then. They said they hope to make a decision within 2 weeks. So now she's so torn on what to do...my advice is go talk to company A and see what they have to offer, put them off as long as you can til you hear from the state to see if you get offered that. ?? So keep your fingers crossed that ONE of these 2 great opportunities work out. She's waited sooooo long for this!! It's been almost a year since she started looking, and 9 months since she got her degree. :) I'll keep you posted on that as well....

On that note, my fingers are now numb from typing so I'm heading out for today... I hope all of you are doing well, healing, staying healthy and happy, and life is treating you fair.

Brrrrr

I just wanted to pop on and share a few pictures I took here in Ohio last Friday. The temp was 2*, the sun was shining, and despite the cold, it was such a beautiful day, so I ran home and grabbed the camera! These were taken at a local lake and it was so neat because everything was so still...so frozen...so untouched. :)

Very sad...

I just wanted to send my heartfelt sympathy out to Tracy (Baby Steps) today. I just read her sister Debbie's post from yesterday and I'm in total shock and dismay. Tracy, if you read this, I'm so very very sorry for your loss. Just try to heal and know that your little LoveBug is in Heaven, safe and sound, and will forever be your guardian angel. I know that doesn't help, but you already know you have soooo many friends and family that are pulling for you and loved this baby already! Hang in there. Big hugs.

Yea, I'm still here!!!

Hello, hello, hello Everyone!! First of all, thank you all so very much for the sweet words, comments, concerns and so forth from all my friends. I'm really sorry I haven't been on here posting much these past few months. It's just still very raw and very hard to face my emotions. And again, this was supposed to be a blog to record my journey to motherhood (again), but seeing as how that road has come to an end, I feel as if I have nothing to write about. Anyway, I'm sorry, and I'm back. I'm going to try really hard to start posting more. I want you all to know I still get on almost daily and read your blogs. I enjoy it so much. I'm so excited for so many of you right now...Rachel & Jen, time is ticking so quickly til the arrival of your precious twins...Marcy & Kris, your little miracle is on his/her way now and I know you're just getting so excited....Tracy, I think it's still all settling in for you, Sweetie, but I hope you know I have prayed for you so long now...and Michell, who's doing her IVF RIGHT NOW, I am so excited for you!!!! I know there are so many more, and I'm sorry if I forgot to mention you, but I try to post little notes on your blogs so you know I'm thinking about you and haven't dropped off the face of the earth!!

As for life in my 'lil town...same ole, same ole!! Liam is doing wonderful in school...he's getting straight A's with one B in Handwriting! :) He gets recognition every single grading period for staying on excellent behavior (they call it "green"). He's just changing so much...growing up waaaay too fast. My "baby" will soon be 7 on Valentines Day! I can't even begin to know where the past 7 years have gone!!! For those of you expecting and who just had their first baby...please cherish every second, and don't be afraid of taking TOO many pics because one day you'll look back and be so thankful you have those 2000 photos from their first year!!! lol I know I am! :)

As for TTC, well, we're still on a break. Jay is still looking for another (better) job in her field now that she has her Masters. It's been 8 months now, and although she's been on a few good interviews, nothing has panned out for her yet. So please keep her in your prayers. A new job and better income would be the answer to all our prayers right now, especially on the TTC front. :) I've been trying to find the "ideal" part time job, but in the area where we live, they're hard to come by. I'm going crazy sitting home while Liam is at school. But I keep looking. And as I mentioned in my last post (I think), I started going to counseling...to help deal with this TTC depression, plus move forward in some other areas of my life. It's going pretty well, and I'm really hopeful that it will continue to be a source of healing for me. There are 3 babies just in my family that are due in the next month, not to mention 3 friends that are due within the next month or so. It's hard. I know I have Liam, and I thank God for him everyday. He is a true blessing. And he is the apple of my eye!

Jay...she's the love of my life. I fall more and more in love with her everyday. She truly is amazing and a gift from God, as well. How did I get so lucky? :) I think so often in our rush rush daily lives, we lose sight of what we already have and what it once meant to us, as it's so easy to take things, and people, for granted. Well lately I've been trying really hard to take a step back and remember what brought Jay & I together in the first place. It wasn't our desire to have a child together, it was this deep down longing for eternal love...finding our soul mate...and lately I look at her in the way I did when we first got together...and let me tell you...it's AMAZING! :) Gives me that butterfly effect all the way down to my toes!!! :) And then I watch her and Liam play or read together, and I get that feeling again. They have such a great relationship. I know Liam's dad is smiling down on me for finding someone that truly accepted Liam as their own and loves him as if he were. :)

That's about all the new news I have to share for tonight. Oh, someone annonymous wanted to know what area we're in...I don't like to indulge my location really, so if you want to make yourself known, I can tell ya more about where we are. :) Sorry! I wish all of you joy & happiness this week and for those of you in the North...stay warm!!! :)

I'm back, I'm back, I'm back!! :)

Ok, first off, I apologize. I know it's been like AGES since I've posted anything, and I am sorry for that! I came on today to check in and actually read up on some of my favorite blogs, and realized I had a couple new comments. That's so sweet, thank you!! It's been a rough month. I created this blog about a year or so ago when we first started TTC, and it was supposed to be a place to record my emotions, the ups and downs and all that stuff that goes along with this journey. Well, I put my entire heart and soul into this last cycle, for many many reasons, and I never thought for one second that it would end in another BFN...so when it did, it hit hard. Really hard. Once again we're in financial woes, so we're on hold AGAIN. That's tough. In that TWW, we didn't even once discuss the "what ifs" if this didn't work this time. So now it's like where do we go from here?? Saving up the money for the RE that's 2+ hours away seems like an impossible dream. Time, I feel, is NOT on my side. So "waiting" and "saving" aren't words that are easily spoken or accepted in my mind. I'm now going on 38, and while it's still very possible to get pregnant, it's also very LIKELY that I might not be able to concieve again. And putting this on the backburner right now is a hard reality to face. Even when I got pregnant with Liam and I knew my husband would NEVER want to try for another child after that, I still always felt in my heart that Liam would NOT be an only child. I had no idea what paths my life would take, but somehow I ended up here. With Jay. And I'm very happy about that. Happy and blessed. And our lives together seem like the perfect place to bring another child into....so why is this so hard??? We joined this gay/lesbian parenting group in a larger city about an hour away about a year ago. Well in that year, there have probably been 6-10 GAY couples that have had children or are now expecting. Why not us??? I guess that's why I haven't blogged in a while. I've had so much disappointment and hurt that I didn't want to drudge it all up by posting it on here. Everyday seems harder. Time goes so slowly. I'm ovulating this week and I should have sperm here dang it, and yet we don't. This was my 3rd cycle on Clomid, so I'm assuming that's not going to work. My Ob/Gyn is at a loss as to what to do now, so basically we just keep wasting money trying at home, or save up and go see the RE. Again, that seems like next to impossible from this point. If it weren't for the large amount of credit card debt we're already in, this probably wouldn't be a problem, but what do ya do??? Live and learn. That seems to be my latest motto! I am finally at a turning point though, and after a wake up call from my 6 yr old this weekend, I'm now ready to face my fears and get help. I'm going to start seeing a christian counselor this week. I have my first appt Wednesday. Luckily they have a sliding scale for those of us with no insurance. :) I have to find a way to deal with this before it destroys me. Among other things.

So...that's kind of where I've been, where I'm at and I guess where I'm going! :) We did have a wonderful Thanksgiving and I do realize how very blessed I am to have Liam and Jay in my life. I hope all of you had a great Thanksgiving as well. Other than depression, I guess there isn't much else to write about. Sorry for the boring blog. I had such high hopes I'd be writing about morning sickness or weight gain by now!! Maybe by this time next year. Hmmmm....that's what I thought this time LAST year!!!

I promise I'll try to keep up on the blogging and write more often. I just wish I had something more cheerful to write about. Jay and I have joined a small connections group with our church about 5 weeks ago, and that's also been a huge blessig in my life. Right now I'm really trying hard to turn all this over to God and leave it all in his hands. Sometimes that's easier said than done however. Gotta give me credit for trying. :) Oh, we traded in our '06 Hyundai Santa Fe about 2 weeks ago. I decided I wanted a lower car payment to maybe help assist with adding to the TTC fund, so we traded in for an '07 Pontiac G6. Seems weird to trade in on a newer model for less money, but I'm actually going to save about $100 a month on my car payment now. We gave up a lot of features, but in the end we feel we made a good decision and we do like the car. With rebates, Jay's GM discount, plus special financing rates, it was hard to pass up.

Let's see, I think I've pretty much covered all the bases. We're hoping to get our tree this weekend. Weather held us back this past weekend. Now if we could get more than a light dusting of snow....more like 2 feet would do!!!! I'm envious of you, Shari!!! Enjoy that snow up in VT!! :) Thanks again to all my friends...I really don't know where I'd be without you all!!

I'll end with a new pic...here's Liam's latest school picture for 1st grade. What a ham he is!!!