Monday, December 3, 2007

I'm back, I'm back, I'm back!! :)


Ok, first off, I apologize. I know it's been like AGES since I've posted anything, and I am sorry for that! I came on today to check in and actually read up on some of my favorite blogs, and realized I had a couple new comments. That's so sweet, thank you!! It's been a rough month. I created this blog about a year or so ago when we first started TTC, and it was supposed to be a place to record my emotions, the ups and downs and all that stuff that goes along with this journey. Well, I put my entire heart and soul into this last cycle, for many many reasons, and I never thought for one second that it would end in another BFN...so when it did, it hit hard. Really hard. Once again we're in financial woes, so we're on hold AGAIN. That's tough. In that TWW, we didn't even once discuss the "what ifs" if this didn't work this time. So now it's like where do we go from here?? Saving up the money for the RE that's 2+ hours away seems like an impossible dream. Time, I feel, is NOT on my side. So "waiting" and "saving" aren't words that are easily spoken or accepted in my mind. I'm now going on 38, and while it's still very possible to get pregnant, it's also very LIKELY that I might not be able to concieve again. And putting this on the backburner right now is a hard reality to face. Even when I got pregnant with Liam and I knew my husband would NEVER want to try for another child after that, I still always felt in my heart that Liam would NOT be an only child. I had no idea what paths my life would take, but somehow I ended up here. With Jay. And I'm very happy about that. Happy and blessed. And our lives together seem like the perfect place to bring another child into....so why is this so hard??? We joined this gay/lesbian parenting group in a larger city about an hour away about a year ago. Well in that year, there have probably been 6-10 GAY couples that have had children or are now expecting. Why not us??? I guess that's why I haven't blogged in a while. I've had so much disappointment and hurt that I didn't want to drudge it all up by posting it on here. Everyday seems harder. Time goes so slowly. I'm ovulating this week and I should have sperm here dang it, and yet we don't. This was my 3rd cycle on Clomid, so I'm assuming that's not going to work. My Ob/Gyn is at a loss as to what to do now, so basically we just keep wasting money trying at home, or save up and go see the RE. Again, that seems like next to impossible from this point. If it weren't for the large amount of credit card debt we're already in, this probably wouldn't be a problem, but what do ya do??? Live and learn. That seems to be my latest motto! I am finally at a turning point though, and after a wake up call from my 6 yr old this weekend, I'm now ready to face my fears and get help. I'm going to start seeing a christian counselor this week. I have my first appt Wednesday. Luckily they have a sliding scale for those of us with no insurance. :) I have to find a way to deal with this before it destroys me. Among other things.

So...that's kind of where I've been, where I'm at and I guess where I'm going! :) We did have a wonderful Thanksgiving and I do realize how very blessed I am to have Liam and Jay in my life. I hope all of you had a great Thanksgiving as well. Other than depression, I guess there isn't much else to write about. Sorry for the boring blog. I had such high hopes I'd be writing about morning sickness or weight gain by now!! Maybe by this time next year. Hmmmm....that's what I thought this time LAST year!!!

I promise I'll try to keep up on the blogging and write more often. I just wish I had something more cheerful to write about. Jay and I have joined a small connections group with our church about 5 weeks ago, and that's also been a huge blessig in my life. Right now I'm really trying hard to turn all this over to God and leave it all in his hands. Sometimes that's easier said than done however. Gotta give me credit for trying. :) Oh, we traded in our '06 Hyundai Santa Fe about 2 weeks ago. I decided I wanted a lower car payment to maybe help assist with adding to the TTC fund, so we traded in for an '07 Pontiac G6. Seems weird to trade in on a newer model for less money, but I'm actually going to save about $100 a month on my car payment now. We gave up a lot of features, but in the end we feel we made a good decision and we do like the car. With rebates, Jay's GM discount, plus special financing rates, it was hard to pass up.

Let's see, I think I've pretty much covered all the bases. We're hoping to get our tree this weekend. Weather held us back this past weekend. Now if we could get more than a light dusting of snow....more like 2 feet would do!!!! I'm envious of you, Shari!!! Enjoy that snow up in VT!! :) Thanks again to all my friends...I really don't know where I'd be without you all!!

I'll end with a new pic...here's Liam's latest school picture for 1st grade. What a ham he is!!!

13 comments:

twondra said...

Awww, sweetie, I'm sooo sorry for all you've been through. I've been through that depression myself. It just doesn't seem fair that others have no problem and we struggle. What you're feeling is normal...but I know that doesn't really help right now. :( If you need to talk, feel free to e-mail anytime. I'm here! My e-mail is tammywondra@yahoo.com

Hugs!

Unknown said...

I know.. it is all so hard... but hopefully one day this blog of yours will be like you want it to be... just try to have faith that it will.

Liam is adorable... I love his cute little sweater!

battynurse said...

I'm sorry this last month or two has been so hard. I hope that you are able to find some peace and to be able to try again soon.

wannabemommies said...

I'm glad to see you're blogging again... I was worried! Money issues really suck. I'm sorry you have to deal with all of that crap. Hang in there! You'll get another baby!

RainbowMomma said...

Lora, I'm glad to see an update from you. I'm sorry things are so tough right now. Gosh, this process is so hard. I'm trying to stay positive myself, but it's not easy. I'm on Weight Watchers mostly because I figured that if I'm not pregnant like I want to be, at least I can look good. Ridiculous, but true.

The photo of Liam is adorable. He's quite a cutie!

It is hard when it seems like everyone around you is getting pregnant or having babies. But you just have to puch through it. I hope thigns get better!

RainbowMomma said...

Speaking of ages....I think it's been ages AGAIN!

RainbowMomma said...

Hope you're having a good Christmas.

Anonymous said...

Lora,

I hope you,Jay and Liam had a nice christmas. I am sorry this last couple of months has been so hard. Hopefully you will be able to start again soon and get that BFP you deserve. I love the pic of Liam.
Talk to you soon

journey of two FL mommies said...

{{{hugs}}}Keep your chin up! that picture is absolutely adoreable .. :D we are going to nassau bahamas on the cruise. where in bahamas did you cruise to?
Happy new year!!

Michelle said...

Hey blog slacker...hehehe. How ya been? I hope the holidays treated you well!! Happy New Year!

RainbowMomma said...

Happy New Year! Come out, come out, wherever you are.

twondra said...

Just checking in to see how you're doing! :)

Anonymous said...

Wow...we are in Ohio too. we have been at try number one for 3 years now with no luck. It must be these chemical plants!!! We are southeast. Where are you?