Brrrrr

I just wanted to pop on and share a few pictures I took here in Ohio last Friday. The temp was 2*, the sun was shining, and despite the cold, it was such a beautiful day, so I ran home and grabbed the camera! These were taken at a local lake and it was so neat because everything was so still...so frozen...so untouched. :)

Very sad...

I just wanted to send my heartfelt sympathy out to Tracy (Baby Steps) today. I just read her sister Debbie's post from yesterday and I'm in total shock and dismay. Tracy, if you read this, I'm so very very sorry for your loss. Just try to heal and know that your little LoveBug is in Heaven, safe and sound, and will forever be your guardian angel. I know that doesn't help, but you already know you have soooo many friends and family that are pulling for you and loved this baby already! Hang in there. Big hugs.

Yea, I'm still here!!!

Hello, hello, hello Everyone!! First of all, thank you all so very much for the sweet words, comments, concerns and so forth from all my friends. I'm really sorry I haven't been on here posting much these past few months. It's just still very raw and very hard to face my emotions. And again, this was supposed to be a blog to record my journey to motherhood (again), but seeing as how that road has come to an end, I feel as if I have nothing to write about. Anyway, I'm sorry, and I'm back. I'm going to try really hard to start posting more. I want you all to know I still get on almost daily and read your blogs. I enjoy it so much. I'm so excited for so many of you right now...Rachel & Jen, time is ticking so quickly til the arrival of your precious twins...Marcy & Kris, your little miracle is on his/her way now and I know you're just getting so excited....Tracy, I think it's still all settling in for you, Sweetie, but I hope you know I have prayed for you so long now...and Michell, who's doing her IVF RIGHT NOW, I am so excited for you!!!! I know there are so many more, and I'm sorry if I forgot to mention you, but I try to post little notes on your blogs so you know I'm thinking about you and haven't dropped off the face of the earth!!

As for life in my 'lil town...same ole, same ole!! Liam is doing wonderful in school...he's getting straight A's with one B in Handwriting! :) He gets recognition every single grading period for staying on excellent behavior (they call it "green"). He's just changing so much...growing up waaaay too fast. My "baby" will soon be 7 on Valentines Day! I can't even begin to know where the past 7 years have gone!!! For those of you expecting and who just had their first baby...please cherish every second, and don't be afraid of taking TOO many pics because one day you'll look back and be so thankful you have those 2000 photos from their first year!!! lol I know I am! :)

As for TTC, well, we're still on a break. Jay is still looking for another (better) job in her field now that she has her Masters. It's been 8 months now, and although she's been on a few good interviews, nothing has panned out for her yet. So please keep her in your prayers. A new job and better income would be the answer to all our prayers right now, especially on the TTC front. :) I've been trying to find the "ideal" part time job, but in the area where we live, they're hard to come by. I'm going crazy sitting home while Liam is at school. But I keep looking. And as I mentioned in my last post (I think), I started going to counseling...to help deal with this TTC depression, plus move forward in some other areas of my life. It's going pretty well, and I'm really hopeful that it will continue to be a source of healing for me. There are 3 babies just in my family that are due in the next month, not to mention 3 friends that are due within the next month or so. It's hard. I know I have Liam, and I thank God for him everyday. He is a true blessing. And he is the apple of my eye!

Jay...she's the love of my life. I fall more and more in love with her everyday. She truly is amazing and a gift from God, as well. How did I get so lucky? :) I think so often in our rush rush daily lives, we lose sight of what we already have and what it once meant to us, as it's so easy to take things, and people, for granted. Well lately I've been trying really hard to take a step back and remember what brought Jay & I together in the first place. It wasn't our desire to have a child together, it was this deep down longing for eternal love...finding our soul mate...and lately I look at her in the way I did when we first got together...and let me tell you...it's AMAZING! :) Gives me that butterfly effect all the way down to my toes!!! :) And then I watch her and Liam play or read together, and I get that feeling again. They have such a great relationship. I know Liam's dad is smiling down on me for finding someone that truly accepted Liam as their own and loves him as if he were. :)

That's about all the new news I have to share for tonight. Oh, someone annonymous wanted to know what area we're in...I don't like to indulge my location really, so if you want to make yourself known, I can tell ya more about where we are. :) Sorry! I wish all of you joy & happiness this week and for those of you in the North...stay warm!!! :)

I'm back, I'm back, I'm back!! :)

Ok, first off, I apologize. I know it's been like AGES since I've posted anything, and I am sorry for that! I came on today to check in and actually read up on some of my favorite blogs, and realized I had a couple new comments. That's so sweet, thank you!! It's been a rough month. I created this blog about a year or so ago when we first started TTC, and it was supposed to be a place to record my emotions, the ups and downs and all that stuff that goes along with this journey. Well, I put my entire heart and soul into this last cycle, for many many reasons, and I never thought for one second that it would end in another BFN...so when it did, it hit hard. Really hard. Once again we're in financial woes, so we're on hold AGAIN. That's tough. In that TWW, we didn't even once discuss the "what ifs" if this didn't work this time. So now it's like where do we go from here?? Saving up the money for the RE that's 2+ hours away seems like an impossible dream. Time, I feel, is NOT on my side. So "waiting" and "saving" aren't words that are easily spoken or accepted in my mind. I'm now going on 38, and while it's still very possible to get pregnant, it's also very LIKELY that I might not be able to concieve again. And putting this on the backburner right now is a hard reality to face. Even when I got pregnant with Liam and I knew my husband would NEVER want to try for another child after that, I still always felt in my heart that Liam would NOT be an only child. I had no idea what paths my life would take, but somehow I ended up here. With Jay. And I'm very happy about that. Happy and blessed. And our lives together seem like the perfect place to bring another child into....so why is this so hard??? We joined this gay/lesbian parenting group in a larger city about an hour away about a year ago. Well in that year, there have probably been 6-10 GAY couples that have had children or are now expecting. Why not us??? I guess that's why I haven't blogged in a while. I've had so much disappointment and hurt that I didn't want to drudge it all up by posting it on here. Everyday seems harder. Time goes so slowly. I'm ovulating this week and I should have sperm here dang it, and yet we don't. This was my 3rd cycle on Clomid, so I'm assuming that's not going to work. My Ob/Gyn is at a loss as to what to do now, so basically we just keep wasting money trying at home, or save up and go see the RE. Again, that seems like next to impossible from this point. If it weren't for the large amount of credit card debt we're already in, this probably wouldn't be a problem, but what do ya do??? Live and learn. That seems to be my latest motto! I am finally at a turning point though, and after a wake up call from my 6 yr old this weekend, I'm now ready to face my fears and get help. I'm going to start seeing a christian counselor this week. I have my first appt Wednesday. Luckily they have a sliding scale for those of us with no insurance. :) I have to find a way to deal with this before it destroys me. Among other things.

So...that's kind of where I've been, where I'm at and I guess where I'm going! :) We did have a wonderful Thanksgiving and I do realize how very blessed I am to have Liam and Jay in my life. I hope all of you had a great Thanksgiving as well. Other than depression, I guess there isn't much else to write about. Sorry for the boring blog. I had such high hopes I'd be writing about morning sickness or weight gain by now!! Maybe by this time next year. Hmmmm....that's what I thought this time LAST year!!!

I promise I'll try to keep up on the blogging and write more often. I just wish I had something more cheerful to write about. Jay and I have joined a small connections group with our church about 5 weeks ago, and that's also been a huge blessig in my life. Right now I'm really trying hard to turn all this over to God and leave it all in his hands. Sometimes that's easier said than done however. Gotta give me credit for trying. :) Oh, we traded in our '06 Hyundai Santa Fe about 2 weeks ago. I decided I wanted a lower car payment to maybe help assist with adding to the TTC fund, so we traded in for an '07 Pontiac G6. Seems weird to trade in on a newer model for less money, but I'm actually going to save about $100 a month on my car payment now. We gave up a lot of features, but in the end we feel we made a good decision and we do like the car. With rebates, Jay's GM discount, plus special financing rates, it was hard to pass up.

Let's see, I think I've pretty much covered all the bases. We're hoping to get our tree this weekend. Weather held us back this past weekend. Now if we could get more than a light dusting of snow....more like 2 feet would do!!!! I'm envious of you, Shari!!! Enjoy that snow up in VT!! :) Thanks again to all my friends...I really don't know where I'd be without you all!!

I'll end with a new pic...here's Liam's latest school picture for 1st grade. What a ham he is!!!

OUT....again!

Where do I even begin? Once again the shock and disappointment of good ole AF showed up!! Right on time, right on schedule. UnBeLiEvAbLe! I was so sure this time. Things were different. Not just "symptoms", but just that "I know I'm pregnant" feeling. Wrong.

Still some weirdness going on. First, I had bad AF cramps for DAYS before she showed...that has never happened before! Second, I always have a 5 day cycle and this time it was only 3 days! That's it. 3 days! That's never happened. I've taken 5 HPT's and their all BFN's. ??? Throw into the mix that I came down with Strep and ended up at the ER yesterday! I'm feeling better today, but that's all I needed on top of AF showing up Saturday!!!!!

And then, as if that wasn't enough, I find out Sunday that my one cousin who has a one year old is pregant again!!! This is the one that said over and over again that she does NOT want another baby that she cannot afford!! Guess she didn't realize what caused the first one!!

In case you haven't noticed, it's been a rough week. So I'll stop now before this gets any uglier. As for TTC, guess it's off for now. Until we can get our finances in order, at least.

BEAUTIFUL Fall weekend in Ohio!

OMG, what can I say?? The weekend here in North Central Ohio was just amazing!! It was around 70-73*, a cool breeze blowing constantly, and sunny, sunny, sunny!!! Yesterday Jay, Liam and I took a ride to this state park called Mohican. I took the tripod this time and we got some totally amazing pictures! If I had a clue how to put a slideshow on here, I'd go for it...if anyone can tell me how, I'll do it. ???? I have a couple places where I make the slideshow, but where do I input the code??? I soooooo want to share these pics! YIKES...there are so many though!! I only took about 160! I promise I won't put them ALL in the slideshow!! lol

On another note, thank you all sooooo much for the prayers and well wishes while we're trying to get through the ever-so-fun 2ww!! I've had some good signs, at least I think...from heartburn (that I never have), AF type cramps for 4 days straight now, acne on my face (never usually get that either) and my temp has been up for days...like 99.3 to 99.8 consistantly. That's with a digital ear therm though. ?? I don't temp and chart. Too much work and frustration!! lol Today is 8 dpo and counting... just keep the prayers coming! THANK YOU!

Now, let me know about this slide show thing and I'll try to do it. Ho hum!!!

I may have figured it out, let's see.... (DUH!!)

Our 7th *and hopefully final* TWW!!

3 DPO already?! Wow! Seems like it was just last night that we made a baby!! :) God, I pray...

Yes, we are officially in our 7th TWW!! What a weekend it's been!! First and foremost, my best friend in the whole wide world was here visiting from Alabama!! Her and her hubby and 3 beautiful daughters came up Friday and left yesterday. Just to set the tone, Jennifer and I have been BEST friends for 10 years! Ours is a very special friendship, in that our entire relationship has been built long distance. We met through a mutual friend (thank you, Kelly!), but didn't really "click" until she moved from Ohio to Alabama. We haven't seen each other in 7 long years!! The last time she saw me, Liam was in my belly and her little Heather was in her belly!! Our kids are exactly one week apart! :) Well, as if that wasn't fantastic enough, I had sort of calculated that we "might" be doing A.I. yesterday or today, which today happens to be Jennifer's birthday. **Happy Birthday, my BESTEST ESTEST friend!** Anyway, as cool as that would have been, it worked out differently. We ended up doing AI on Saturday while they were here!!!!! :) It couldn't have been more perfect!!

I know God is the one who makes all this happen...I have NO doubts...but there's just so many reasons I have to believe THIS is the cycle for us!!!! First of all, Liam was concieved on lucky cycle #7...this was #7 for us. Next, we used donor #514...5 represents May (Jay's bday) and 14 represents Valentines Day (Liam's bday)! And then there's number that crosses my path on a regular basis...1013. It represents a lot of things, including the time that my husband died (10:13 a.m.). I come across this number so many times...and it wasn't until Saturday evening just before we did AI that I realized it was 10/13/07!! Not only that, but we ended up doing AI at 13 hours post +opk!!! I know it all sounds so silly and juvenile, but I really believe things all fell into place the way they did for a reason. And that reason is the creation of our baby!!!! Nothing could have made it more perfect than my Fer-Fer being here!!!! :)

So everyone, if you would, please say an extra little prayer for us when you read this, and throw in a little jar of baby dust if you wouldn't mind also!!

I'm adding some pics taken this weekend, but there are TONS more on www.myspace.com/chicagirl70 for anyone that wants to look!! Thanks in advance for the prayers and FX! We appreciate it soooooo much!!! I'm so ready for our little bean!! :)